Who I'm Meant to Be: Sirius Black and the Start of Neo

[pirate_anon]

Who I'm Meant to Be:
Sirius Black and
the Start of Neo

Draven joins Livejournal in March 2004, and after the
break-up with Buffy III, they start infiltrating the Harry Potter
community as a Sirius role-player (2004 June 15). Immediately,
Sirius starts in with hints that he’s not really role-playing, using
the pen name of "Pads" (i.e., Padfoot) when posting his fanfiction
(2004 August 20) and also stating, "I was in the thick of my RP
tonight(so involved and overtired that I kept forgetting I'm not
Sirius; as silly as that sounds)" (2004 June 15). Like his headmates
before him, Sirius insinuates and suggests his identity while still
maintaining a veneer of plausible deniability should anyone call
him on it. It proves a handy way to test the waters for a later
coming out.

At some point, Draven meets their next partner, hereafter
referred to as Ellen. Less than six months after Buffy III, Sirius
posts a fanfic dedicated to her "for showing me that love is
possible, that compassion and perfection are worth working at
and that I deserve to be loved" (2004 August 20). He also
dedicates the fic to Faith role-player from the Angel cult,
specifically noting that she is now finally an adult, making
Angel's earlier pining all the creepier. (For comparison, Draven at
this point have just turned twenty-seven.)

Even more unsettling is that Sirius’s choice of gifts to these
two love interests is an explicit kinky story about himself and
Remus Lupin, who plays the Jungian shadow dom like Krycek
and Skinner before him, offering moral purification through
physical pain. The story is darker and more emotional than the
M/M Spanking Archive stories, but has a similar flow: Sirius
misbehaves, and so Remus teaches him “a lesson in humility” and
delivers a “punishment” via bites and rough bare-backing without
lube. At the end, Sirius asks, “Am I forgiven?” to which Remus
responds, “of course.”

In the comments, Sirius says, "I can't really take credit for
the writing. I just kind of.... transcribed it" (Anonymous, 2004).
He then links to his individual Livejournal account (long since
deleted and purged) with the words, "I've been fortunate
enough(or cursed enough; two sides of the coin I guess) to be
able to internalize a lot of things." Again, more implications,
without coming out and saying he's Sirius Black.

Less than a month later, Draven joins the soulbonding
community (2004 September 12). Their introductory post
mentions none of the system members before Sirius, and
certainly not the Buffys or W. Ellen is his fiancée now; she
apparently has a soulbond of an original character who is one of
Sirius's old girlfriends and apparently Harry Potter’s godmother,
implying that she and Sirius might’ve been married in the
fictional universe (Draven, 2004 September 15).

Even though the relationship seems new, it's already
showing strain, because Sirius is giving way to Neo. Ellen
comments, "my partner will not let [Neo] out to talk to me as I
have no one from the Matrix/Zion that I can channel to help aid
Neo. Neo is becoming more depressed and anxious and my
beloved partner is [...] getting extremely frustrated with me. Does
anyone have any ideas as to what I can do about this so as to help
my partner and Neo feel he exists and build himself up again? [...]
it is causing a lot of tension" (Ellen, 2004 September 16).

It's a strange question. Many (if not most) people can't
choose their headmates; to expect a partner to create or host
complementary system members on demand is presumptuous at
best. But the exchange implies that Neo is incapable of feeling he
exists unless he has other Matrix people around him, reflecting
his identity, playing the role of his audience. This plays into what
he and other Draven people have said before, but it’s still
wrongheaded. The Matrix universe is vast, covering many
different times, places, and groups of people; someone from there
might not know who Neo is, care, or want anything to do with
him. Others may prefer to leave their roots completely behind,
taking on new names and lives. Does Neo somehow expect Ellen
to be as devoted to him as she is to Sirius, even though Neo's a
complete stranger to her?

Clearly so, and the relationship's deterioration comes
quickly. Within just three days, Draven makes an enraged
community post: "My FIANCEE, the woman who I would still,
even now, take a bullet for, took off last night...And she took our
daughter with her. Our daughter that calls ME 'Daddy'" (2004
September 19, emphasis his).

That's quite a claim to make about a baby. According to
Ellen, her daughter isn't even a year old yet at this time (2004
September 15). The baby was surely born while Draven was with
one of the Buffys, and he's only known Ellen for a few months,
tops; it seems unlikely that the baby would see him as her father,
never mind call him Daddy. But in Draven's mind, both woman
and child apparently belong to him now. With bold and
capslock, he says, "I WANT THEM BACK" (Draven, 2004
September 19).

Considering that Ellen had been reporting kidney failure,
hospitalization, and medically mandated bed rest less than two
weeks prior (2004 September 7), not to mention had a baby in
tow, I can only imagine the amount of planning and sacrifice such
an escape took. And she seems to have made a clean break; she
completely disappears from social media not long after, except
for a single LJ post stating that she's happier single (2004 October
25). It's almost exactly what Buffy II did, a year and a half prior,
and W a year before that.

Meanwhile, Draven flies into a rage, making certain
everyone in the soulbonding community knows that Ellen will
"respond to this post with a 'what REALLY happened' bit,
demonizing me totally, or perhaps making something up out of
whole cloth to justify what happened -- because every time this
has EVER happened to me, that's been the M.O. And everyone
who's ever been connected to the Internet has started slamming
me in serious flame wars in publc [sic] because once they leave,
their maturity level drops to about the level of a third-grader"
(2004 September 19). In other words, he claims she will do
exactly what he himself is doing. (She never does and neither
did any of his previous fiancées, as far as I know. They all just
disappear, and the only flame wars or slams I've seen have been
with Draven as the instigator.)

Even in his possessive rage, Draven lets slide hints of who
is really at fault, and why Ellen disappeared. He admits, "Yes, we
had a row -- but compared to some others, it was barely anything
at all" (ibid). And yet, somehow it is enough to make a severely
ill woman flee her home in the middle of the night with a baby.
But Draven never mentions Ellen's ill health at all. Instead,
Draven acts as though they are the one with the most to fear,
claiming that Ellen’s actions have put Neo’s life is at stake.
"Without someone here who loves me, someone who
UNDERSTANDS and BELIEVES, without someone to bounce off
of, to tell ME it's all right to be who I am and to love me and
support me while I'm doing it... Neo is struggling mightily to
not.... well.... die," Draven complains (ibid). "My people have
always needed outside validation, for good or ill."

It's a moment of startling honesty. Draven doesn't actually
care about Ellen or her child as actual people with problems or
hardships. Instead, they are the audience, human mirrors,
reflecting Draven's myriad images and identities—as Neo, as
Sirius, as a father. It might explain why Draven seems incapable
of being single for any length of time, and why they become
engaged to all of their partners so quickly; they can't bear to be
without their reflection. Suddenly, Bar's earlier claim that she
saved Angel from suicide after Buffy I comes into context: to
them, a break-up is a near-lethal threat, the deprivation of the all-
important audience.

Over the next couple of months, the Draven system goes
through an overhaul. Like Kurt and William before them, Angel
and Angelus are erased from the system's history, never to be
publicly mentioned again. Sirius follows soon after; he role-plays
briefly on the LJ community mundus_solutum, but is gone by
January 2005 (Draven, 2004 December 12). They no longer fit the
new narrative, which is that Neo is the sole system member.

Draven plays this up for maximum dramatic effect,
treating it as a near-religious experience. In November 2004,
they write that they’ve always felt they were destined to do
something big. "I've been searching for the last twenty years for
what that something was," they write, "and I've found it in the
bond I have now [Neo]: he's pretty much swapped places with
me, i.e., taken over as the 'host' person. And I'm fine with that.
I've been waiting for it my whole life" (2004 November 8a). That
same day, Neo posts, "there's nothing else right now but the
'essence' of myself: Thomas Anderson, Neo, the Neb II, past
present and future, world without end, Amen. There is no
other/no shared consciousness, no other [...] entity inside. Was
there ever?" (2004 November 8b).

Unless all of their system history up to that point was a lie,
then yes, yes there was. To add to the strangeness, Sirius is still
actively role-playing on mundus_solutum at this time. Is he
suddenly not real now, or was he a fraud the entire time? And
who on earth is the "I" who posts about switching places with
Neo the day prior? Is it Angel? If not, what has become of them?
Have they become one being with Neo? Have they died? Neo
never clarifies.

While Draven seems thrilled at this turn of events, Connor
isn't. After years with Angel and his cult to prevent the
apocalypse, her beloved Dad is gone, possibly dead, and so is his
Mission; she's heartbroken. "I've been crying for the last 45
minutes," she posts (2004 October 20). "It seems I'm looseing [sic]
everyone I care about in one swoop.Its killing me.I know who I
am. I'm Connor Draven.Nothings changed.I lost Dad,and
Faith,and...it hurts so bad."

Neo has no patience for Connor's pain. He tries to
assimilate her into his own cult, possibly by taking on the
identity of “the Kid” or “Mouse” from the Matrix franchise
(Draven, 2004 October 10), but it never works out; Connor
admits she “didn’t exactly understand the whole concept of the
movie” (2004 November 14). Frustrated at her inconvenient
grief, Neo finally goes on the attack around Thanksgiving. He
tries to drive a wedge between Connor and Faith, and when that
fails, between himself and Connor. "If you still feel like calling me
'Dad', then fine, but frankly I don't see how you would, since
you're so adamant about how bad it is that 'things have
changed'," he sneers. "I HAVE changed [...] if you don't like who I
am and how I feel, don't speak to me. [That means commenting
in my LJ, as well.] If you can't realize that I have a hundred things
I'm doing and have to worry about and have pet peeves like
anyone else, don't speak to me" (2004 November 22).

Connor, chastened, gets back in line. She says, "I don't
care who your [sic] channeling,you're still you and I still love you
like I did before,and I support you like I did before.I do realize
you have alot [sic] to do,and I'm sorry if I pissed you off.Let me
help,let me take some of he load off so your not
stressed.Anything.I wanna help. [...] I love you,Dad." The
comment thread ends there, with no response from Neo.

Why does Neo treat Connor so abysmally? I suspect
because her devotion is now a detriment. Neo's charisma is based
in part on the narrative that he's the only Draven, past and future:
literally the One. He wants to peddle a dramatic story, similar to
the first Matrix movie--an ordinary person realizes they are in
fact a hero, a savior, and they tear apart the boundaries between
our world and another, bringing purpose, excitement, and
revolution to the people. But the story only works as long as
nobody brings up the existence of past system members who've
pulled the same gambit. Connor's loyalty to Angel risks Neo's
story coming apart, and he can't afford that; he needs it to build
momentum.

And oh, he builds momentum. Within a month and a half
of his first appearance, Neo starts posting on Fanfiction.net,
under the name Systemic Anomaly (2004 October 19), builds
for_zion, his primary cult community on Livejournal (2004
October 31a), and creates the first version of his website,
Daemmerung (2004 October 31b). Around Christmas, he releases
his first computer game, Gnosis version N.Three.Oh, (2004
December26a) which apparently is intended to give a password
that will "unlock" a "corridor" of Daemmerung, perhaps a special
web page (November 8).

I played as far through Gnosis as I could. A nineties-style
point-and-click adventure game, it was blatant in its agenda and
recruitment message. For instance, the game starts with an IM
conversation between the player and "TechGeek1" (shortened to
T1, as in, The One) who discloses to the player that "they're
sharing their mind with another person. Some people would call
it multiple personality, some people would call it channeling or
reincarnation [...] they need some help NOW, and they're asking
you." The player is given three options to respond:

1. "Tell them they are in need of some serious psychiatric
help."
2. "You'll humor them [...] for now. See how far it goes."
3. "You're curious, and more than a little willing to believe
and tell them so."

It’s clear which answer the game wants. Choosing the "get
psychiatric help" response leads to an instant game-over and the
message, "with an attitude like that, you're not going to get very
far in this game... or the world, for that matter." It goes on to say,
"Quantum science has proven that there are infinite universes
beyond this one -- belief has proven that that MATTERS." Never
mind that science isn’t about belief or faith; it’s about careful
testing of hypotheses. Draven’s appeals to science are just a
surface gloss over spiritual faith.

The more neutral response isn’t much better. TechGeek1
says, "You're making fun. Sorry to bother you with my problems.
Ciao," leading to a more protracted game-over. The game
chastises the player with, "your friend saw through your 'false
sympathy' and signed off [...] are you that insecure about the
world around you that you can't entertain, even for a moment,
the possibility that there might be something beyond what you
know? Try thinking with your heart." As though that weren’t
enough, the next screen derides the player for their choice "to
ignore T1's pleas for help" and condemns them to a fate of
uncertainty and doubt. "You find yourself wondering if maybe
T1 had answers that he wasn't sharing... or if maybe you just
chose not to get the answers."

The whole thing is intended to harangue potential
followers into believing what Draven wants them to believe. The
focus is on feeling and believing, thinking with someone's heart,
not reason, logic, or critical thinking. It even suggests that
quantum physics has proven that the Matrix universe exists on
another dimension and people from it can be channeled by
people in this one.

However, if the player responds favorably, T1 sends them
on an adventure across the rougher side of town in the middle of
the night to help fulfill T1's "purpose." What is this purpose? "To
spread a message [...] that we are, in fact, able to break free from
the system if we're only willing [...] to believe anything is
possible." It’s never clear exactly what that means, only that this
message is dangerous and has brought T1 many enemies. Only
the player can help TI save humanity.

My adventure ended there due to what was either a
game-breaking bug or incompetent design; it was difficult to tell
which. Still, even that small amount showed me how malleable
reality was in Draven's hands. Presumably, the ordinary player
thinks they're playing an odd little game; they might not realize
that "T1" is a real person hoping to rope someone into his real
metaphysical battles and mission to save humanity, and that his
purpose is exactly what it is in the game. A password to
Daemmerung might seem like an amusing diversion, and the
player might go down the rabbit hole, not realizing Neo is trying
to persuade them that the game is reality, the Matrix within the .
The whole thing is bait, intended to pique a person's interest
without giving so much information as to turn them off.

What exactly is "the system" and what does it mean to
"break free" from it? Neo is always a bit vague about the details.
In his Daemmerung FAQ, he writes, "I'm fighting for freedom.
Not just for freedom from the Machines: freedom from the
captivity of doubts, limits, and fears" (2005, January 10). What
are the Machines? Neo never flat-out says so publicly, but ex-
followers tell me he means the machine uprising from the Matrix
movies. Even Neo's own brother later describes it as "training an
army for a post-apocalyptic vampire computer psychic zombie
war" (Macabredivinity, 2015 March 4). Perhaps this is a
revamped version of the apocalypse Angel discussed.

Understandably, Neo usually tries to avoid directly
talking about what the Machines are; that's classified knowledge
for followers who have proved their devotion. Mostly, he focuses
on vague psychological liberation: "freedom from the captivity of
doubts, limits, and fears," and "if I can reach one person, just one,
free their mind and teach them that reality is simply what you make
of it, that they're free to break away from the constraints and
preconceived notions of humanity as a whole, that when you
truly are seeking truth there are no limits, that belief really can
change anything" (Draven, 2005 January 5).

All of this is nonsense. Anyone who has collided face-first
with a glass door knows that reality is not what you make of it.
Belief can not change everything, limits will always exist, and
doubt serves a valid purpose; it protects from cons, swindles, and
misplaced faith. Logically, none of Neo's statements mean
anything. Emotionally, however, they can seem just deep and
compelling enough for a prospective follower to project their
own noble goals onto.

And where do these followers come from? Fandom and
soulbonding communities. Followers go to Fanfiction.net and
review Matrix fics with exhortations to join for_zion or read
Daemmerung. Neo posts a context-less link to his new website on
the soulbonding comm (2004 October 22) a Matrix roleplay
comm (October 31b) and a Neo/Agent Smith slash comm
(October 31c) testing the waters before formally disclosing his
identity.

Considering the rants Angel and William made about
fandom commodifying their suffering, it might seem strange that
Neo would specifically reach out to a slash community that pairs
him with his enemy and killer. But Neo is totally willing to take
advantage of fandom for his own purposes. He positions himself
an authority, commenting, "I have a very 'unique' perspective on
[...] Smith!slash" (2004 October 31d). A month or so later, he posts
his own there, a non-consensual angst story about his sexual
attraction to Smith, which he uses to stoke interest in
Daemmerung (2004 November 28). He loves the community’s
name of Neo Ex Machina so much that he takes it for his own
screen name on forums and Youtube (2006, April 21b)—instead of
God in the machine, it’s himself. A few years later, he will even
offer a writer pointers on writing rape between himself and
Agent Smith, stating, "I've lived through some of it" (2008 January
27a).

Neo’s Livejournal title of “there is some fiction in your
truth, and some truth in your fiction” is appropriately chosen; not
only does Neo and the rest of Draven treat role-play and
fanfiction as a form of reality, but also their own life as its own
form of fanfiction. When I make autobiographical work, I state it
as such; I do not lure readers in by pretending it’s fiction, or that
my fiction is autobiographical. To do so would be to take
advantage of my readers’ faith—the difference between an action
hero getting punched in the face on a movie screen, and a real
person getting punched in front of us. Most readers, I think,
would feel conflicted or horrified if the non-consensual porn
they read within the safe boundaries of fiction turned out to be a
true statement of events. They’re able to enjoy it because they
know that nobody is really being hurt, which makes it unnerving
when Neo himself offers advice on how to write his own sexual
assaults. I dare say that most people would never do such a thing.

Some people ignore Neo and find him off-putting, but
others prove more amenable. For many people, fiction and story
is a way to learn about life; it is all too easy for them to believe
that their favorite stories are true. Many of them want to believe
Neo’s story, and he’s able to take their affection for the Matrix
and reattach it to himself. After reading Neo's fanfiction, a poster
named Crowd sees Daemmerung and goes down the rabbit hole
(2004 November 28); they will later become Neo's attack dog on
Fandom_Wank. Others believe Neo's claims of being a savior or
messiah.

Of course, Neo avoids stating that outright, weaseling his
way around the matter in his FAQ: "Do I consider myself the
literal meaning of the word 'messiah'[...]? Tough Catch-22 there. If
I'm the One, which I've tried to accept and come to terms with
[...] then 'the One' is their 'anticipated' deliverer: 'That his coming
would hail the destruction of the Matrix; end the war'" (2005 January
10, emphasis his). He then emphasizes that he doesn't want this
responsibility, as though this fate is enforced on him by
something greater than himself. He doesn't want to be the
messiah, he insists; it's just that it's his destiny, and only a fool
challenges destiny!

Neo's message of openness, freedom, and transcending
society proves attractive to people who feel misunderstood and
are looking for a place in the world. Neo gives them an ostensibly
noble goal, a way to help humanity—and a way to avoid the
Machine apocalypse. He gives soulbonders, multiples, and
fictionkin a place to be themselves, ostensibly without judgment.
Through fandom, he reaches people who perhaps always wished
for that magical wardrobe into Narnia, that letter to Hogwarts.
Neo offers a world of freedom, magic, and possibility; he gives
people purpose and community… or so it seems, anyway.

“One thing I really actually miss about being a part of F_Z
[for_zion] is the feeling of being a part of something, and actually
doing something to fix the downward spiral that this world has
taken, even if that all turned out to be an illusion,” one follower
writes after escaping (personal communication, 2008). “Really
what I miss more than anything is the fellowship - the ability to
talk about oddball, far-out things with other people who didn't
think I was automatically crazy for even considering such things.”
It’s a common sentiment, one I can remember from my own
interactions with Draven. After all, it can be very tempting,
when one feels like a freak, to go from “maybe I’m okay the way I
am” to “maybe I’m special the way I am, intended for great
things.”

Attracted by this potential for liberation and acceptance,
people start to come to Neo. One of them is Trinity, Draven's final
fiancée. In mid-November, she makes contact with Neo, saying,
"I think I believe you...about everything" (2004 November 16).
At his behest, she quickly makes an LJ (2004 November 28), fills
out a Matrix free-association quiz he creates as recruitment
material (ibid), and joins the soulbonding community (December
2), posting, "I am the soulbond of Trinity [...] I've been talking to
he_dreams_awake [Neo]. He agrees that I am me."

But Neo hasn't just persuaded her that she is Trinity. He's
persuaded her that she's his Trinity, metaphysically destined to be
his partner.

This is an important distinction to make. When a system
member comes from a piece of media, they aren’t necessarily
going to have the same personality, relationships, or desires as
another one—or even closely resemble the original. For instance,
I know another Neo, completely unaffiliated with Draven or
their circles, who is a queer black woman. She has very little
resemblance to Draven’s Neo in any way, and would probably
have no interest in Draven’s fiancée, because that Trinity is not
the one she knew in her world. That Trinity would be a total
stranger to her, someone she would have to get to know and
grow to like, regardless of whatever past history they might’ve
shared in their other lives.

Neo, unsurprisingly, does none of that. Instead, he plays it
out like a fictional cosmic romance, ordained by fate. When he
reads the results of Trinity’s quiz, he leaves a comment saying,
“Some of it... well. Christ, I want to talk to you about it. Some of
it I knew. […] I'll help however I can.” (Trinity, 2004 November
28). Within a month of her first contact with Neo, Trinity’s
calling him "My love; my only" (2004 December 16). By
December 30th, they’re discussing marriage. Less than a month
after that, she moves in with him (2005 January 26) and writes,
"my mother doesn't understand that we are SOULMATES
destined to spend the rest of eternity either together or searching
for each other" (February 7). A few days later, they're engaged or
married, depending on which source is consulted (Trinity, 2005
February 21; other citation available upon request).

Sum total of time? Just under three months.

Trinity will become Neo's most devoted convert, and to
this day, she is still with him, his primary source of financial and
psychological support. Later on, she will become a convicted
felon for him, arrested over a dozen times for the things she does
on his behalf. Draven's hold on her extends beyond her actions
and wallet to her very identity... or rather, identities. None of
Draven will ever have to face life without a reflection again, for
Trinity will spawn many headmates to match Draven's—
including an Agent Smith for Neo.

But she won't host the first of Neo's Smiths.
Neo pines for Smith from day one; asides from his "very
unique perspective" on Smith slash, he has a Smith page on the
earliest version of the Daemmerung website, reading, "Each thing
depends upon its opposite in order to exist... Yin attracts Yang
and Yang attracts Yin. The greater the difference, the greater the
attraction... If you're out there looking for me, then here I am: looking
for you, too" (2005 January 8, emphasis his).

Neo meets the first Smith—who I will call Smith I—
through Fanfiction.net, a few weeks after first meeting Trinity
(Smith I, 2004 November 29). Smith I has long since deleted all
online activity, but the comments remain. Smith I joins Neo on
Livejournal, and the two men develop a combative but intense
kink relationship, similar to Krycek and William's. Trinity's
relationship to Neo also mirrors the ones between Scully and
William, Buffy and Angel, and Ellen and Sirius: the beloved wife
and second-in-command. This pattern will continue to be
repeated multiple times; Draven craves it so much that Sirius
describes it as an “illicit drug” (2004 August 20), while William
claims that BDSM with Krycek gives him the same effects as the
painkillers he relies on, making life “stop hurting, only for a
minute, only for a minute” (2001 June 12).

Eventually, Smith I will become one of Neo's greatest
enemies, and made into yet another example of what happens to
ex-followers/ex-partners. But at the start of 2005, the locomotive
is only just starting to build up to full steam. In January, Neo
makes the Livejournal community nebuchadnezzar2 for other
people from the Matrix universe (Trinity, 2005 January 16), and
in February, he moves his site to truthofthespoon.net (2005
February 6). In April, he forms council_of_zion, for his for_zion
advisers, and he and Trinity move to Washington near her
parents (Draven, 2005 May 6).
There, Draven gives up the flimsy, short-lived charade of
being singlet. John Constantine, Tyler Durden, and Greg House
quickly join the party.