God damnit, I’M THE PHANTOM: Erik Dessler

[pirate_anon]

God damnit, I’M THE PHANTOM:
Erik Dessler

Erik Dessler is the civilian name of the Phantom of the
Opera. He has had many incarnations through prose, film, and
theatre, but Draven’s version is most related to the musical
theatre version popularized by Andrew Lloyd Webber, known
for his doomed obsession with opera star Christine
The first sign of Erik Dessler (hereafter referred to as the
Phantom) is on Anakin's Livejournal. Anakin posts links to one
of Kurt's old songs from a decade prior and talks vaguely about
Broken Messiah, but then he posts a guitar solo from The Phantom
of the Opera (2009 March 18).

Like most of Draven's obsessions, this proves not to be
mere fandom interest. On April 1st, Anakin comments that he's
working on a "super-secret" song for "the Colgate Country
Showdown" in June, even though he admits it’s not his genre.
The song is entitled "'Daae/Dessler': One Touch." The "Daae" part
is a reference to Christine Daae from The Phantom of the Opera,
channeled by Trinity, and that snippet of song still remains on the
Erik's Delirium Symphonica Myspace under the title "Just One
Touch" (2009a). Clearly it's not actually Anakin working on it.

The Phantom has higher aspirations than just music,
though; he also has pretensions of being a magician. He lists
"Dessler Illusions" as his work experience on LinkedIn from 1999
on (2017 October), and also names his next Myspace the same
thing (2009b). In a Youtube video, Neo announces the Phantom's
activities, though he takes credit for it: "I’ve been doing shows
three times a week as a street magician downtown, and also been
performing acoustic guitar" (2009 April 30).

Why does Neo avoid discussing the Phantom directly? It
seems Draven wants to make a clean start. Perhaps Neo and
Anakin’s Livejournal activities have brought down too much
scrutiny and criticism. The system mostly abandons their
existing accounts on Livejournal and Youtube and start whole
new ones, focusing their new online presence on Twitter,
MySpace, and Facebook, none of which I am adept with. From
this point on, the system will reboot again and avoid naming all
past members, with the sole exception of Neo.

On May 4, Anakin mentions working on "the amazing
magic act promo video." He also mentions moving, but it turns
out that's a euphemism; really, the household's been evicted again
(Draven, 2009 May 18). As usual, he blames it entirely on "the
psycho managers" who "broke in, changed the locks, [and] tossed
everything in the Dumpster except what they could steal." At
this point, Draven have been evicted at least seven times since
2005, twice by the courts, and never once has it been their fault.

Nevertheless, the Phantom's work proceeds apace. A
couple weeks later, he creates his Facebook page, In Amorata:
The Ghost's Love Story, with the reality-blurring subtitle "What
if the World's Greatest Love Story... Was True?" Here, he
announces his greatest ambition: a "the world's first fusion of full-
scale stage magic and 'modern' operatic theater musical. Part
homage, part autobiography, and part re-telling [...] 'IN
AMORATA' is an immersive expedition into the worlds of love,
prejudice, fear, obsession, and the very nature of reality" (2009
June).

The plot of "In Amorata" reflects Draven's relationship to
Trinity, and gives an unsettling look into his perceptions of her.
"Josanna Devore is lost in a bleak and hollow world of silence and
mourning. Finding that to [sic] her life no longer has any
meaning or purpose, she exists in her self-imposed seclusion until
the night a traveling carnival [...] pulls into town. […] She sees a
magician performing in the carnival, and "once he sees her, the
Magician is instantly convinced that Josanna is, in fact, the girl he
once loved and lost in another lifetime... a lifetime he believes he
lived as a familiar face from a story everyone knows." This "drives
him to pursue her relentlessly […]. No matter what he must do to
win her affections; to convince her that she is, in fact, the girl he
is certain she once was." Ominously, "the Magician begins to go to
ever greater lengths to obtain the love of his fixation... no matter
what the cost, or to whom."

Even ignoring the stalking subtext, the story sounds very
similar to Neo's grooming of Trinity, minus the magical carnival.
There’s the obsession, the absolute conviction that her life is
nothing without him, the persuading her of her fictional identity.

On his Myspace, the Phantom posts newspaper photos of
his street magic shows from May 12 and June 28, along with a
couple others that are undated. The June 28 photo is of a "Coffin
of Death" illusion involving the Phantom lying in a box which has
been pierced by many sharp objects, and on June 22, 2009, he
attempts a Guinness World Record for "Most Swords Pierced
Through Live Magician in Box" (2015 July 19). However, he
doesn't seem to have won it; it's listed only as an attempt, and I
couldn't find it in the Guinness World Records database myself.

On July 18, the Phantom performs at Mainely Brews
Restaurant & Brewhouse. Also during that month, he creates his
twitter account, SvengaliPhantom.

The Phantom then vanishes off my radar for a while—he
might have lost Internet access. In 2010, Trinity leaves a voice
post on Neo's Livejournal, saying they've moved yet again and
that Draven has had yet another health crisis (April 25). "Before I
get anybody [...] who might possibly think drug-seeking behavior,
Neo had ten teeth taken out![...] the crap that comes out of your
teeth that comes from having really bad teeth can be effective to
your heart! Hello, heart palpitations, not drugs, heart
palpitations! [...] Genetically bad teeth, not methamphetamines."
The fronters and illnesses may change, it seems, but the specter of
substance abuse always remains.

They move again a few months later (Draven, 2010 August
12). Then they disappear from my view again.

In March 2011, the Phantom creates his Youtube account,
though most of the videos from the first year are made private,
unlisted, or deleted entirely. The sole exception is a video where
the Phantom does simple sleight of hand using two balls of light
(2011 March 30), seemingly identical to those that Constantine
used in his selfies years prior (2005 September 13). In April, the
Phantom rejoins Livejournal as drphantasm, but never really
posts anything.

A couple months later, the Phantom does a firewalk to
"raise awareness for the Children's Cancer Fund at the local EC
[Elk's Club], at the end of a short show for a couple of dozen
people. [...] We're hoping the photo will raise donations" (2011
May 15). I'm not sure how much money is raised, if any, and
whether it ever made it to the fund.

The rest of 2011 is taken up with a blizzard of arrests. In
August, Trinity is arrested for theft (citation available upon
request). Draven in turn is arrested in late October for
threatening with a weapon (Morning Sentinel Staff, 2011 October
24). His 180 day sentence is suspended, and he's given a year of
administrative release, or informal parole (Judy of the Waterville
Police Department, personal communication, 2016 June 14). Just
a couple days later, Trinity ends up in court again with a
collections agency, implying that her debts and bad checks have
once again caught up to her (citation available upon request). In
December she's arrested twice on warrants (citation available
upon request).

The Phantom marches on, apparently using the arrests
and stresses as further motivation to continue his work, rather
than abandon it. On March 20, 2012, he releases selections of "In
Amorata" through Bull Moose records (Bull Moose, unknown).
In June, he responds to someone else's blog post about work/life
balance with a passionate defense of his art at all cost, claiming
that the desperation of his circumstances only make his work that
more important (Draven, 2012 June 19). He states that "we’re
broke; [...] I went without my blood pressure pills for three days
for lack of $4. Often we don’t eat. But […] if [I] don’t at least
complete it I’ll have endured all this for nothing’." He mentions
how Trinity and him are in terrible health, and “all I kept
thinking was that I promised her and myself that I would do this,
and how much would I regret it if something happened to one of
us while my script/score was sitting unfinished in limbo because I
just ‘didn’t get to working’ that day?"

Stripped of the bohemian aspirations, all the comment
states is that even when they are starving, sick, and Trinity is in
and out of jail and on the verge of collapse, the rock opera is
what's most important. "It’s worth the sacrifice,” he insists. “I can’t
IMAGINE giving up now, and not a small part of why is because I
feel idve [sic] wasted the last few years, that all that I’ve done isnt
[sic] enough yet to justify the things we’ve had to endure" (ibid).

Trinity gets arrested again on a warrant in August
(citation available upon request).

On August 13th, the Phantom creates his Wordpress blog,
mindofthephantom. His first post of any substance is a rant about
fangirls, carbon copies of those from William and Angel a decade
prior (2012 August 13, paragraph 3). "When I refer to 'fans' or
'fangirls' within this text, I use it in the sense of rabid, giggling
and gushing, 'Oh, Erik’s so SEXY!' type of people: people who
would run the other way the instant they saw a deformity in real
life," he states. But then he whiplashes right back around to
sorrowfully remarking, "here is something a thousand fangirls
would have thought they’d die for – a true, honest, no-frills, no-
fiction, no-ulterior-motive chance to ask their questions of ‘the
Phantom’… and have them answered. [...] And yet… no one asks"
(ibid, paragraph 23).

And that, it seems, is the Phantom's (indeed, all of
Draven's) real frustration: not that fangirls exist, but that they
aren't fangirls of them. None of Draven ever seem to realize that
many people enjoy fictional characters because of that fictional
remove; they might enjoy reading about or watching someone
like the Phantom of the Opera, who (depending on the version)
is an obsessive blackmailer, kidnapper, stalker, and murderer, but
that doesn't necessarily mean they want to meet him in real life.

And Draven's Phantom is no more ethical than his
fictional counterpart. In that same post, he describes himself as a
challenge to deal with, at best: "I’m that crazy opera-writing
magician-and-composer who’ll send someone into the stationary
[sic] store at five minutes to closing to buy a nib for my pen" (ibid,
paragraph 17). "When I stop in mid-sentence or suddenly freeze,
someone hands me the closest pen; I take in a deep breath and
everyone around me covers their ears" (ibid, paragraph 15). He
describes, "the screaming, the panic and terror, the frustration
and the fear; the throwing things and mirror-smashing and self-
hatred, the inability and incapability to deal with 'normal' people
and the 'normal world,'" (October 7, paragraph 38) but he never
makes the connection that this might be why he's "alone, once
more and for always, and no one ever told me, EVER TELLS ME
why" (ibid., paragraph 29). He seems to think that his tantrums
and destruction of property should be as charming in real life as
they are in fiction.

And that's not the worst he admits to either. He reports
that his latest shadow dom partner, Emily "Mama" Giry of
Trinity, is teaching him that actions have consequences. What
actions, exactly? "Oh, I don’t know — blackmail? Violence? [...]
booby-trapping the side stairs(because of the disrespectful, drug-
dealing upstairs neighbor, or leaving bloody doll eyeballs outside
his door in a plastic bag after he called Christine a c**t and she
would NOT let me physically kill him)" (2012 October 7,
paragraph 8).

Giry is described nearly identically to Darth Sidious. The
Phantom claims that she "raised me from the time I was twelve"
(ibid, paragraph 48), calls her Mama (paragraph 17), and her job
is to keep him in line. "She’s my strength… AND my limits" he
states (paragraph 51), and he gives her credit (and responsibility)
for his redemption, just like so many followers before. "If [...] I
had been free to simply rage out in my terror and my fear like an
uncontrolled child, if I had simply been given unlimited leeway
because 'God damnit, I’M THE PHANTOM!' or any number of
variations on the 'God DAMNIT it, I’m (blank) so NOBODY GET
IN MY GODDAMN *WAY*!!' theme… [...] I would most certainly
be dead now. [...] IN AMORATA would never be finished. None
of my life would EVER be redeemed" (ibid, paragraph 52).

In Amorata is never finished anyway, and certainly none
of Draven is ever redeemed. But that is not Trinity’s, or anyone
else’s fault but their own. How can anyone be Draven’s limits
when they give themselves unlimited leeway?

The Phantom, besides his half-finished stage magic rock
opera, also attempts to get into film. He apparently gets the idea
after writing one of his "memoirs" (fanfiction), he finishes with
the statement, "Perhaps… film? Ah. That excites me…" (2012
August 21). A week later, he makes a three-part Youtube series
called "I Am The Phantom," all of which are now gone (2012
August 30). He also does a short video for TLC, which never goes
anywhere (2012 October 7). Undaunted, he decides to try
making a documentary about himself, but that project is also
aborted, never completed, and most of the Youtube videos are
now gone, deleted or set to private. All that remains are two
interviews from 2013; one with the Phantom (2013 February 21),
and one with Trinity’s Christine and the Phantom’s assistant (2013
January 30).

The Phantom's interview is nothing new—just another
rant about fandom and pop culture co-opting his pain. Christine
and the assistant's interview is mostly playing up the Phantom's
genius, since he's the one interviewing them. Only once do
things slide off the script; when asked how he feels about the
Phantom's identity, the assistant replies, "To be honest, when I
first met you, it was a little creepy." But then he quickly goes on
to say, "But now that I see how you act, how you move, how you
look at things, I know you’re that person."

In the interview video description, this assistant is
described as "the only local person to know the extent of Erik's
identity, his life, his memories, and what it's like to exist in close
proximity to him." It's him who appears in the photo of the magic
act from May 2009; he couldn't have been more than eighteen at
the time (citation available upon request). In August 2012, the
Phantom describes his "best(and physically, here, only) friend"
and that might be the assistant as well (2012, August 13). Perhaps
he fulfills the same role as Demos and Blackbird in the past,
becoming the acolyte. Regardless, in January 2011, he's arrested
for "domestic violence criminal threatening" (citation available
upon request). I have no idea if it’s related to Draven or not.

As for Trinity, she gets arrested another couple times, once
in September 2012 on "a warrant and a charge of criminal trespass
at Goodwill Industries," and again in late October on a warrant
(citations available upon request).

For his part, the Phantom spends that time period posting
"jokes" that aren’t actually jokes on Twitter, including, "Roses are
red, violets are blue, marry me willingly or I'll force you to," (2012
October 13) "Some call it stalking, I call it love," (2012 October
20a) and introducing himself as “a crazed stalker” (2012 October
20b). He also engages in the Draven tradition of role-playing
(2012 October 28) and dispenses guilt trips for not having as many
followers as he wants, insinuating that nobody cares about him.
"ANYONE CARE to give Erik a shout-out?" he asks (2012 October
29). He leaves his usual breadcrumbs, enticing with, "What is it
like: living, learning, losing, watching endless legions parade my
story, gush over actors behind my mask and swoon to someone
else’s music, while I am left only with the real memories and my
nightmares? You can ask me" (2012, October 25). But nobody
bites; there is virtually no activity on the account at the time.

In mid-November 2012, he starts posting parts of his rock
opera on soundcloud. Over the course of three months, he posts
twelve songs: "Josanna," "Nocturne, Angelus (the Invocation),"
"March of the Freaks," "Dr. Phantasm," "Tell Me How ('Josanna':
Reprise i)," "Overture," "The Magician (Now You See Me),"
"Ruthless Refrain," "Inside Your Heart," "Josanna, My Love," "Live
Without You," and "Haunted" (2013 February 10). As far as I
know, this is the furthest stage of completion that In Amorata
ever gets, and the only remaining proof that any of it was made at
all.

In January 2013, Trinity gets arrested yet again for criminal
trespassing (citation available upon request). She's fined $100.

The following month, one of Trinity's friends posts a video
voicing her support of Draven, very similar to the testimonials of
Neo's day (nvywif, 2013). Like Neo, she references the hate and
threats from doubters. "To the people out there who want to
write hate mail, death threats, yell at them in the street, think
before you say something. You don’t know somebody’s situation,
you don’t know anything about anybody’s life except your own.
[...] Erik and Christine, they’re not out looking for trouble, they’re
not out looking to start anything, they’re just looking to get their
story out." I don't know if, where, when, or from who this
backlash happened. Since Draven locks up their documentary
vids, any evidence of it has long since been erased. For all I know,
it's merely rehashes from the Neo and Angel days.

Come March 2013, the mindofthephantom Wordpress is
abandoned. The Phantom, in his last post, says, "I have been
having some rather severe medical issues, both… well, let’s say
mental and physical; including abdominal surgery and a host of
other issues, while Christine’s vision has deteriorated [...] Things…
have not been good" (2013 March 23).

In April, Trinity's arrested, again, on a warrant (citation
available upon request).

The household becomes sparse on social media for a
while. A month later, the Phantom reports, "I am alive. Been in
and out of hospital, very ill; will have no home Internet access 'til
June the 1st or immediately therabouts [sic]. [...] am actually at
yet another medical facility" (2013 May 18a and b).

Things continue going downhill. Trinity's arrested again
in early October on a warrant (citation available upon request).
The Phantom, not to be outdone, posts a few weeks later, "No
'Net at the Lair, been laid up with unpredicatble [sic] seizures and
have incompetent physicians. Frightened" (2013 October 24).

Eventually he does return to Twitter, though sporadically.
In April 2014, he sends a tweet to Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain's
widow, to say, "If you want to make a musical I will give you
body parts for the chance to be involved" (2014 April 10). Later,
Draven will try and contact various fandom figures related to
their other system members, including Robert Downey Jr. (2015
July 15a) Carrie Fisher before her untimely demise (2016 October
9), and Eliza Dushku, who played Faith in Angel: The Series (2015
December 11). As far as I know, none of them respond.

Come May 2014, Trinity is arrested again for two warrants
(citation available upon request). As usual, Draven remains
focused on the attention he feels entitled to, with the Phantom
tweeting that he might have pneumonia or something worse
(2014 June 8) and that "I actually wish I had more followers.
Finally, a chance to spread music without the bias of appearance
or station, and such a small pool" (2014 June 12). It's a little
surreal seeing him so certain he'll have the time to spread the
music and gain followers, even as he claims to be on death's door.

At least there's some good news coming poor Trinity's
way; she has surgery to help save some of her vision (citation
available upon request). It's about the only good thing that seems
to happen to her during this entire period, and it’s the last thing
of significance to happen during the Phantom's tenure, as far as I
can tell.

On the whole, the Phantom seems to have had little to
make him stand out from the rest of Draven. Kurt's music was
more successful; Angel's painting at least got one show; Neo had
more friends and followers and attention. Even Anakin, for all
his melodrama and complaining, was more able to get people
invested in his redemption. But after the disastrous Nebraska
venture, things seem to be in decline. Their housing appears to
be unstable, and Trinity gets arrested eleven times during this
period alone. They seem to have lost most of their following, due
to sporadic phone and Internet access.

Another part of it, I suspect, is just time catching up to
Draven. It’s one thing to act the tortured, melodramatic artist as a
child or young adult, but it's far less charming on a grown man
entering his late thirties. And all of Draven's skills appear to have
stagnated. Despite ten years passing, the Phantom's art skills are
no more polished than Angel's. What little of his magic I have
seen in Youtube videos or archived MySpace photos lacks
showmanship or originality; his sleight of hand is basic, and his
Coffin of Death is unconvincing, a cardboard box with sharp
implements carefully arranged around Draven's body. There's no
shame in starting simple, but the Phantom is specifically
portraying himself as an expert who's been doing magic since
1999. Lies aside, none of Draven ever really improve, because
improvement requires criticism—from self and from others. And
none of Draven can handle that.

All fields require a constant cycle of compromise, failure,
and (hopefully) gradual improvement. All require the
knowledge that we as people can only come up with imperfect
solutions to any given problem. Part of being an adult is
accepting that risk of failure in hopes of improving the future.
And since none of Draven can handle their imperfections, they
perversely doom themselves to stagnation—because perfection is
the enemy of good.

Internet film critic Lindsay Ellis made a video series about
the evolution of the character of the Phantom of the Opera, in its
myriad incarnations. In the one about Andrew Lloyd Webber's
version and the sequel, Love Never Dies, she makes the following
statement (2016), which I feel states the Phantom's (and all of
Draven's) failings perfectly:

"Phantom's character arc, in the good ones anyway, is
about maturation. He is a genius in some regards, sure, but in the
realm of intra-human contact, in love, he is a child. He never
made it past toddlerhood. 'Oh sure, just because I'm shooting
fireballs at you, you abandon me, FINE, I'll kill everybody!' Cuz
he's never been shown love or compassion himself. Other people
are basically toys to him; that's kind of a thing that happens. Him
letting Christine go is the first time in his life that he really
recognizes someone else's humanity. That act of sacrifice, putting
someone's needs before your own, is one of the most painful
lessons that he or anyone can learn. That's adulthood. [...] Just
because your life sucked doesn't mean you can march up to
people and declare that they owe you something."

None of Draven ever learn that lesson. Even with Trinity’s
constant affirmations, support, adoration, discipline, and
panhandling, he never grows out of the “FINE, I’ll kill
everybody!” stage. And the next system member is even less
ethical than he is.